No more Mr. Nice Goose! That’s right: It’s just week two of “Bachelor in Paradise,” and Chris Randone has turned heel ― again ― with jaw-dropping speed and decisiveness.
After a disastrous turn on “The Bachelorette,” Chris turned up in “Paradise” ready to rehab his image. He had a new (we think?) self-chosen (almost definitely?) nickname, the Goose. He had a love interest, Tia Booth, whom he claimed to be immediately committed to. He had a flock of friends ― Nick Spetsas and Jordan Kimball, sometimes affectionately referred to as the Goose Gang ― to hype him up for any conflict with Tia’s pre-existing love interest, Colton Underwood. Sure, he got uncomfortably possessive of Tia way too quickly, but he carefully framed his macho aggression toward Colton as moral outrage at his rival’s recklessness with her fragile heart.
On Tuesday night ― three evenings of prime-time TV into season five of “Paradise” ― Chris sat down with an anxious Tia, his damsel in distress, to assure her that he had no interest in any other woman on the show and that he was committed to finding love with her.
With Tia thus locked down, he sauntered off to a palapa with Krystal Nielson, informed her that he was “not in a relationship, like, at all,” made out with her, bragged to every warmblooded creature within a five-mile radius about it, and then began plotting to court as many unattached women in the house as he could in one night.
Jordan, his one remaining wingman, guided his plans by suggesting Chris think of the women as courses in a hearty meal. Yum! They cast Krystal ― Chris’ first blonde kiss, a real milestone ― as dinner, and other contestants as appetizers and dessert. Tia, the woman Chris proclaimed his unwavering devotion to not 12 hours before? She’s the ex waiting by his door when he gets home, a hassle he’ll deal with after having fun. Pro tip, dudes: She’s not your annoying ex until you take 30 seconds or so to break up with her!
And thus, in the space of 36 hours, Chris and his Goose Gang transformed from self-proclaimed chivalrous protectors of Tia’s heart to the very manipulative, faithless misogynists they claimed Colton to be.
Claire Fallon and Emma Gray, hosts of the “Here to Make Friends” podcast, examined the subtleties of Chris’ turn to the dark side, as well as the origin of the Goose, with their guest Priscilla Frank, a fellow Culture writer at HuffPost:
Claire Fallon: We started right back in the Chris and Goose Gang drama. It starts at pretty much the exact opposite place of where it ends with the Goose Gang. It starts with Chris getting hyped up to confront Colton about playing with Tia’s emotions.
Emma Gray: It is truly stunning how brazenly Chris managed to just make all his male aggression about protecting Tia and then immediately turn around and not give a fuck about Tia.
Priscilla Frank: He gets so confident! His highs and lows are out of control.
Gray: Mediocre white men, man! It’s like fairy dust.
Fallon: Can we talk about, just briefly, how Chris did “Karate Kid” poses in the sunrise, while wearing a headband with a rising sun on it?
Frank: He manages to make me hate him more and more, when I don’t think it’s possible.
Fallon: I don’t know if I hate him more when he’s acting aggressive or when he’s feeling full of confidence and joy.
Fallon: He gives this monologue: “The Goose is one of a kind. And he is I, and I am him. The Goose is here, baby. Got the short-shorts going, got the headband on, like the Karate Kid, sweeping those ladies off their feet.” What is he talking about?
Frank: Do we know when he started the goose thing, and why?
Fallon: It seems like after “The Bachelorette,” but also whyyyy would you choose that nickname? It’s not flattering.
Gray: Also, geese are terrible animals.
Fallon: Geese are bad animals. It symbolizes being the butt of a joke or being silly. It doesn’t come with a lot of positive connotations, like “eagle” or “tiger.”
Frank: You don’t think goose are sexy animals? “It’s a total goose!”
Fallon: They do have really long necks.
Frank: You know what they say about long necks!
Not long after Chris reassures Tia that he is committed to her, he and Krystal flirt on a palapa.
Gray: [Chris and Krystal] do, in fact, make out. And then apparently Chris wakes up and just tells everyone about it.
Gray: Except Tia. Really, a very smart tactical move.
Fallon: It’s just astonishing how … much of a douche he is.
Gray: There’s so many ways he could have avoided being the level of douche that he was.
Frank: To have Tia interested in him is such a score, he should just lay low and thank his lucky stars. They could have probably been together!
Gray: I want so much better for Tia.
Fallon: Also if he’s like, “I don’t want to be second choice. Krystal’s pursuing me and I feel like you’re just using me,” he could say that! Instead he goes after Krystal, brags about his creepy pickup line to all the guys, and doesn’t tell Tia what’s going on.
Gray: He seems to have zero plans to ever tell Tia.
Fallon: What does he think is going to happen?
Frank: And then he starts to add more girls to the lineup …
Gray: … That have shown no interest in him.
Fallon: It goes right to his head, as soon as a woman shows interest in him. He’s like, “I’m the Goose. I’m hot shit. Women want a bite of this goose.”
Gray: And then Jordan launches into a horrifying metaphor in which various women are different courses of a meal.
Frank: They’re going to make “Paradise” history!
Gray: Krystal is the main dish. Annaliese is just an appetizer. Bibiana is drinks and dessert.
Frank: Carrot cake, specifically.
Fallon: She was the late-night palapa. Jordan was like, “Oh, it’s like you had a great night, you went out, you got some drinks, you had dinner, and then you get home and your ex is standing at the door and you have to talk to her.”
So she’s already been relegated to a post-meal ordeal that he has to deal with after his fun night of treating women like food.
Gray: Annaliese and Bibi also have never indicated that they are interested in Chris at all.
Fallon: Actually, [Chris and Tia] haven’t broken up. So it’s more like you went out for a big night of dates with a bunch of women, and you get home and ugh, your girlfriend is there and you have to deal with it.
Fallon: Chris is like, “The Goose doesn’t know which way he’s going to fly tonight,” and Jordan says, “It doesn’t matter, because it’s the Southern Hemisphere.” Which is deeply geographically uninformed: Mexico is not in the Southern Hemisphere. And also, I don’t see how that would affect if the goose needs to fly in a certain direction.
For more on “Bachelor in Paradise,” listen to “Here to Make Friends”:
Do people love “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette” and “Bachelor in Paradise,” or do they love to hate these shows? It’s unclear. But at “Here to Make Friends,” we both love and love to hate them — and we love to snarkily dissect each episode in vivid detail. Podcast edited by Nick Offenberg.